Afternoon all, I hope this cold Monday finds you all well.
I’m finding the need to ‘just get cracking’ today but wanted to drop in and update you all. Thanks for those who sent hugs and best wishes over the last few days, your kindness has once again warmed me and made me smile. Granddad has amazed us all and begun yet another week. There is a strange type of relief swelling through me as well as the sadness of last week. I am relieved of course that I was able to see him over the weekend and he has spared us great grief for a little while longer, but for who is this really a benefit?
Granddad is very poorly and has been for years. He is not in pain but he spends his days drifting in and out of an almost sleep, often only barely responding to those around him. Eating and drinking is more than an effort which of course he has not been able to do for himself for the longest time. He is still waiting. He is still hanging on. And I keep coming back to the same thought, it is not us that need the relief. It is him. And our grief when this time comes will only represent the love we have for him. It is such a sorry affair.
But we are back to a strange limbo now. He was not originally expected to reach this week, in fact we even asked the parish vicar to visit on Friday night for his final service. Yet he struggles on. Even though incredibly frail there is a stubborn strength in him, a fight that I believe he has passed through the generations to his Grandchildren. I am stubborn, horribly so at times, but I also have his fight. I am determined that I will only expect the best in life for myself and my loved ones – anyone who may harm us, beware!
It leaves me a little spent I am afraid. I am exhausted from poor sleep (I cannot function without the recommended nightly allowance) and racked a little with guilt for not being at home. But what else can I do? I could not bring myself to simply sit and wait at his side for those last moments – I couldn’t be there to see him go. That waiting in itself is shattering. Then there’s worry, for my poor mum who is doing just such a thing. I think what it must feel like for her; to lose your grandparents is one thing, but to lose both parents within twelve months (regardless of age or illness) must be heartbreaking. Even though there are people around, it must make one feel lost and abandoned to be without parents.
But all this may end up being hypothetical. We are indeed in a waiting game, but one that may not be quite as imminent as believed last week. We are back to being able to see days maybe weeks at the end of this particular tunnel. So a little relief for us, but none yet for Granddad.