Posted by: Natalie | April 30, 2010

The Alternate CV

I’ve mentioned, pretty much, each day this week of my plans for the future. In order to secure September work, I have had to revamp and polish up the CV. I don’t know about you, but I hate writing CVs. I find it possibly the dullest chore of all applications. I am useless at selling myself on paper and worry that I just appear tedious. I suppose it can’t really be the case as it has not done me too much harm in the past. But what I would like to write is a real CV. One that really talks about ME! So here goes . . . .(please note, only a few elements of the below have been fabricated for entertainment purposes)

Natalie Crawford

Objective: To be able to spend most days as I choose, writing, sewing, cooking, walking, watching DVDs and generally being relaxed and happy.

Education: I refuse to write down my GCSE’s and A’Levels! Do you really care? Surely the fact that I have a degree from a decent university and a PGCE should tell you I have an English and Maths GCSE at C and above! As an employer, you should be able to deduce this from the words, “Higher Education”.

Professional Experience:

  • July 2009 – present – The best few months I think I have had – possibly ever!  I have allowed myself to find what I really want to do. I have worked out a dream I want so very much to realise and have been working incredibly hard to bring to fruition. I don’t really want it to end, but I haven’t won the lottery yet.
  • September 2004 – July 2009: Teacher / Dogs body / frustrated, undermined and inconstantly stable stress-head.
  • July 2003 – September 2004 – teacher training – you really think there was time or energy for anything else?!
  • June 1998 – July 2003: Waitress/bar maid – low paid but highly entertained! Some of the best fun I have had, with some of the loveliest people I have ever had the privilege to work with.

Skills

ICT: I can competantly  compitantly compitently  competently use a spell checker and process words at a relatively quick pace. However I only type with three, sometimes 4, different fingers and I have to look at the letters, so I am prone to type-os. I am able to browse the internet at my leisure, including Facebook. I can send emails and it would appear I can construct something called a . . . . blog? I have, for my sins, also learnt an unhealthy amount about interactive white board programmes and Microsoft programmes Excel, Publisher and Power Point (yawn!) Finally, I am able to rip video content from websites and put them to my own personal use.

Leadership: Well, I can pretty much look after myself. Beyond that, we have to take an element of risk into the equation. I can confidently talk in front of a whole building full of children but freeze on the spot when asked to speak to a small cupboard of adults (that is official term for a group of teachers). I get very red in the face, am unable to make eye contact and sweat profusely. I sincerely doubt that others in the room would notice this, but it is entirely crippling to the self confidence!

Transferable Skills:

  • Time Keeping: I am very good at reading a watch but do still need to use my fingers to count through time.
  • Organisation: My own special kind, slightly chaotic. As I always say – the state of my desk is the state of my mind.
  • Co-Operation: I work very well with others. As long as they’re not a moron. Or rude. Or childish. Or ugly.
  • Speciality: I am a REALLY slow reader.
  • Other: I make a cracking cup of tea!

Interests and Hobbies: really? Are you really going to care about that fact that everyone likes to read, walk and cook. Yes there will be those odd balls who actually have hobbies like . . . the gym  . . . but these people are officially mental! The fact that I can read bodes well for you as an employer, you would hope that I can cook, something, as it will keep me alive until the end of the contract. And walking? Just an added bonus! I can even run between an office and a fax machine. I can’t actually work a fax machine, but I can get to it.

References:

  1. My Mum: She loves me enough to big me up!
  2. Cie: As above but with a less Northern/ more authoritative tone.
  3. Steve: He just wants me out the house!

So, that’s my alternate CV. What would your’s say?

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Responses

  1. Lol!!! Love it! And yes, mine would almost say as above but with less teachery bits and a LOT more faffing about online pretending it’s a “real job”:

    “Research (reading other people’s blogs and tweets, facebook status updates and newspaper columns) is an essential part of my daily routine, as is self-branding (browsing ebay for outfits that will make me look the part of an editor/pro-blogger/digital marketer) and brand personality development (commenting on other people’s blogs and replying to their tweets) to create an authoritative and informed presence online.”

    xxxx

  2. Nat, I laughed my way right through this – Dave just asked me if I’m alright! Well done!!


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