Posted by: Natalie | April 30, 2010

The Alternate CV

I’ve mentioned, pretty much, each day this week of my plans for the future. In order to secure September work, I have had to revamp and polish up the CV. I don’t know about you, but I hate writing CVs. I find it possibly the dullest chore of all applications. I am useless at selling myself on paper and worry that I just appear tedious. I suppose it can’t really be the case as it has not done me too much harm in the past. But what I would like to write is a real CV. One that really talks about ME! So here goes . . . .(please note, only a few elements of the below have been fabricated for entertainment purposes)

Natalie Crawford

Objective: To be able to spend most days as I choose, writing, sewing, cooking, walking, watching DVDs and generally being relaxed and happy.

Education: I refuse to write down my GCSE’s and A’Levels! Do you really care? Surely the fact that I have a degree from a decent university and a PGCE should tell you I have an English and Maths GCSE at C and above! As an employer, you should be able to deduce this from the words, “Higher Education”.

Professional Experience:

  • July 2009 – present – The best few months I think I have had – possibly ever!  I have allowed myself to find what I really want to do. I have worked out a dream I want so very much to realise and have been working incredibly hard to bring to fruition. I don’t really want it to end, but I haven’t won the lottery yet.
  • September 2004 – July 2009: Teacher / Dogs body / frustrated, undermined and inconstantly stable stress-head.
  • July 2003 – September 2004 – teacher training – you really think there was time or energy for anything else?!
  • June 1998 – July 2003: Waitress/bar maid – low paid but highly entertained! Some of the best fun I have had, with some of the loveliest people I have ever had the privilege to work with.


ICT: I can competantly  compitantly compitently  competently use a spell checker and process words at a relatively quick pace. However I only type with three, sometimes 4, different fingers and I have to look at the letters, so I am prone to type-os. I am able to browse the internet at my leisure, including Facebook. I can send emails and it would appear I can construct something called a . . . . blog? I have, for my sins, also learnt an unhealthy amount about interactive white board programmes and Microsoft programmes Excel, Publisher and Power Point (yawn!) Finally, I am able to rip video content from websites and put them to my own personal use.

Leadership: Well, I can pretty much look after myself. Beyond that, we have to take an element of risk into the equation. I can confidently talk in front of a whole building full of children but freeze on the spot when asked to speak to a small cupboard of adults (that is official term for a group of teachers). I get very red in the face, am unable to make eye contact and sweat profusely. I sincerely doubt that others in the room would notice this, but it is entirely crippling to the self confidence!

Transferable Skills:

  • Time Keeping: I am very good at reading a watch but do still need to use my fingers to count through time.
  • Organisation: My own special kind, slightly chaotic. As I always say – the state of my desk is the state of my mind.
  • Co-Operation: I work very well with others. As long as they’re not a moron. Or rude. Or childish. Or ugly.
  • Speciality: I am a REALLY slow reader.
  • Other: I make a cracking cup of tea!

Interests and Hobbies: really? Are you really going to care about that fact that everyone likes to read, walk and cook. Yes there will be those odd balls who actually have hobbies like . . . the gym  . . . but these people are officially mental! The fact that I can read bodes well for you as an employer, you would hope that I can cook, something, as it will keep me alive until the end of the contract. And walking? Just an added bonus! I can even run between an office and a fax machine. I can’t actually work a fax machine, but I can get to it.


  1. My Mum: She loves me enough to big me up!
  2. Cie: As above but with a less Northern/ more authoritative tone.
  3. Steve: He just wants me out the house!

So, that’s my alternate CV. What would your’s say?



  1. Lol!!! Love it! And yes, mine would almost say as above but with less teachery bits and a LOT more faffing about online pretending it’s a “real job”:

    “Research (reading other people’s blogs and tweets, facebook status updates and newspaper columns) is an essential part of my daily routine, as is self-branding (browsing ebay for outfits that will make me look the part of an editor/pro-blogger/digital marketer) and brand personality development (commenting on other people’s blogs and replying to their tweets) to create an authoritative and informed presence online.”


  2. Nat, I laughed my way right through this – Dave just asked me if I’m alright! Well done!!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s


%d bloggers like this: