Posted by: Natalie | February 11, 2010

The Fear Cometh

Humph. I think I may be playing delay tactics. The Fear Cometh.

I have pretty much wasted the first four hours of my day. I first had some very crucial reading to finish – the fact that “The Woman in White” has NOTHING to do with my work is beside the point.

I then decided I had to sort out valentine’s day. Now, Steve and I don’t usually make a big fuss but I spent a while looking at recipes that I could make for our non-celebration. Don’t really know why, especially as I don’t follow recipes!

Cup of tea.

A twenty minute phone call and catch up happened.

Steve called.

Fussed the cat.

Cup of tea.

Then I decided to make Steve’s present. Finances are not exactly flush at the moment, what with the not having a full time job and all, so I am making it. I spent, hmmm – an hour? or so making the mystery gift. Needless to say, everything that could possibly go wrong, went wrong. Its a mess on a grand scale involving tears, rips, melted bits – just not good. I spent about another half an hour trying to fix it but to no avail, abandoning it covered in huge holes! So now I have to start again which means taking a trip to the shops for more resources!

I could very easily go outside, defrost my car and grab what I need. But, finally, my rational head seems to be kicking in. My plan for today was to finish my submission materials for three of my projects. Two hours, tops, would finish off about two weeks worth of work. You would think I would be so excited to get it all finished. You would think I couldn’t wait to get the hard, horrible marketing stuff out of the way. You would think I would save the crafting and self indulgence until this afternoon as a form of celebration. So would I!

So what’s wrong with me? Why am I putting things off and subconsciously wrecking all that I do in order to repeat the putting off? Basically, I may be panicking just a little. By finishing the submissions today, tomorrow I am compelled to post them off. To put my life in someone else’s hands, to open myself to the huge onslaught of rejection the next few months and years hold. The Fear gripped good and fast!

But, as I sat here in my study room, pulling bits of melted valentine’s day gift off my top, I thought on this. So what if I am posting tomorrow? Isn’t this what I wanted? Isn’t this what I chose to do? Hell Yes! I was terrified on my first day teaching; I was terrified when I couldn’t see which direction to take my career; I was terrified when I handed in my notice; I was mortified in September when it finally dawned on me that there would be no more healthy pay cheques. But I overcame all these things, and they may made me happier with each step I took.

So, it’s time to suck it up! Bin the disaster of a day so far, have a cup of tea and, in the words of the sports brand, just do it! How hard can it be? I’ve come this far!

. . . I’ll just check my emails!



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